By Layla, Mud Puddle Connoisseur
Transcribed by Angelina Oberdan
E. E. Cummings wrote that “the world is mud-licious and puddle-wonderful,” and I’m pretty sure he was a dog despite what my mama says. Rainy days are stupid, but the days after rainy days, those are the best days, the mud puddle days.
Now some dog-parents don’t let their pups get near mud puddles, which is why I decided to write this. My parents let me play in the mud as much as I want, but if you only have a few seconds before your mom or dad drags you out of the puddle to take you home and hose you off, then you should be prepared. You have to know how to pick your mud puddle and the top three muddle moves; you might not get a second shot at this.
- If the mud puddle looks deep, wear a life jacket.
- Make sure it’s all mud: no rocks to conk your head on and no snakes. Snakes suck.
- If you have any cuts or sores, make sure you lick them clean afterwards. One time I forgot to clean the mud out of a scratch between my toes, and my foot swelled up to the size of a club, and I didn’t get to play for a week!
- Close your eyes if you put your head under-mud.
- Stinky mud is fine to play in. It’s not moldy; it’s aged.
Picking Your Mud Puddle:
- Like I said, just like wine and cheese, the stinky-er the mud, the better.
- Consider your size and weight. The mud puddle should be bigger than you. A Great Dane playing in a little mud puddle is just ridiculous.
- The mud puddle should be just deep enough that if you lay down in it, your tummy, legs, and a good bit of your chest is covered. This is the prefect depth for rolling.
- If you like to slide, choose a longer mud puddle.
- I like to splash and roll and give myself a mud facial so I like a round, deep mud puddle, preferably with a patch of soggy soil leading up to it so I can slide in, like when I slide across the linoleum into the kitchen where people drop food.
Top 3 Mud Puddle Moves:
- The Hunker-on-Down- This is better if you’re not so quick or if you have a hip injury. Saunter up to the mud puddle, act nonchalant, and then plop your belly down. Now wallow like a pig and hunker-on-down.
- The Slippery Roll- This is for when you know you’re going to be in big trouble for getting in the mud, like after the car’s been vacuumed. Lie down in that mud puddle, and as your parent runs over, cussing about how they just vacuumed the car, roll. One of two things will happen: you’ll be in as much trouble as you were when you laid down, only happily muddier or your parent will huff and puff, give up, and let you lounge. If your parent tries to pull you out of the mud puddle; you’ll be slippery enough that you can slip out of their imposable thumbs. (Then your dad or mom be covered in mud too, which is healthy, even if the person never admits it.)
- The Home-Run- This is ideal when there’s a soggy patch surrounding the mud puddle. Run and slide, feet first, ear cocked, eyes closed. Wait for the wave of mud that arcs over your back; that’s the best part.
***A Note About the Author: Layla has tested the mud in at least 10 states, including Louisiana, which is by far the muddiest. On average she rolls in at least one new, unexplored mud puddle per week (except in the dry months like August); that’s at least fifty-two mud puddles per year. She wears her Ruff Wear life jacket if the mud puddles are deep, and while she knows the command “Tub,” she has wonderful parents who are willing to bathe her whenever she needs it or stands next to the tub, stamps her paw, and demands it).